My greatest desire for this blog is to be totally transparent and allow others into my world as a Christian military wife. In doing so, I believe it will minister to the hearts of the women as together we explore valleys and mountains that we all travel on through our marriage and family life! Especially during deployment!
As you all have read, my husband came home on a five day leave. He returned yesterday and my heart weighs heavily with sorrow for many reasons. Of course one reason is due to missing him immensely. But the other reasons are of regrets.
Let me explain. On my husband's day of arrival, I was ecstatic. I waited anxiously at the airport peering through crowds until I finally caught a glimpse of him. My little one, Sam, ran to his daddy as I followed. We hugged, kissed and hugged again! We shared, laughed and enjoyed our first day together!!
On our second day, when I awoke I felt I have been thrown into a furnace. The atmosphere changed, it was hot in temperature and my heart was on fire with insecurities! Instantly my attitude and behavior changed. My husband took notice and was concerned.
Of course, my answer was “I’m ok” when in reality I wasn’t. Pride caused me to become stubborn and I became distant. As much as I wanted to fight against what was arising within me, I couldn’t. My mind was screaming “what is wrong with me”. Is it my menstrual period that is coming? Is it menopause? Is it just ME?
Oh Lord! What is wrong? Please help me!
A flood of emotions rushed through me! Waves of insecurities, jealousy, bitterness, hopelessness, and anger drowned my soul. It was NOT a pretty sight! I yelled, I cried, I pouted and loathed in self-pity. My poor husband!
You see, there was an issue that I was battling on my own for a few years in which I never shared with my husband. Although I will not go into details for it is a very private matter, I will say this: my inability to confide in my husband cost me a lot more!
The second and third day, well, were not so good. Tempers erupted and we were all in rare form including Sammy! Finally, I took the courage to express myself and explain my problem. His reaction was not what I expected.
As I sought the Lord for answers, He reminded me of some instances in my childhood that caused me to develop these insecurities, fears and low-self esteem. I thought I had dealt with them when I first got saved, but in all honesty, I didn’t allow God in those areas of my heart for healing. It was as if I placed a band-aid on my own. Slowly through time it started to peel off exposing an infection.
The Lord caught it on time before it spread. He caused me to dig deeper into the root of my soul. What I saw caused me to cry out to the Lord to cleanse me, purify me and uproot all that is defiled within me.
Why did this happen now? Why during my husband’s leave? I felt horrible. But through it all, although we couldn’t understand the “whys”, God had a plan.
You see, all that I was storing in my heart and the walls that I erected to keep my husband from seeing what was there came down!! It allowed my husband in but most importantly I allowed access for God’s healing. The process has begun!
God knows all things and being that my husband was deploying the Lord was strengthening our marriage in greater depths than we could have imagined. There is a new sense of purity in our relationship. Our passion, love, communication, and trust have been restored to a greater level than what we shared in the past.
Although we walked through the fire for two days, the Lord was with us and we were able to come out of the furnace without being burnt or smelling of smoke. The next two days were glorious! We had this new-found love and hope for the future. Despite it all, we were blessed beyond measure and we look forward to his next leave.
Nonetheless it was difficult to go about my day, but the Lord has lifted the heaviness and has given me peace and for that I am so thankful!
Then King Nebuchadnezzar leaped to his feet in amazement and asked his advisers, “Weren’t there three men that we tied up and threw into the fire?”They replied, “Certainly, O king.”
As you all have read, my husband came home on a five day leave. He returned yesterday and my heart weighs heavily with sorrow for many reasons. Of course one reason is due to missing him immensely. But the other reasons are of regrets.
Let me explain. On my husband's day of arrival, I was ecstatic. I waited anxiously at the airport peering through crowds until I finally caught a glimpse of him. My little one, Sam, ran to his daddy as I followed. We hugged, kissed and hugged again! We shared, laughed and enjoyed our first day together!!
On our second day, when I awoke I felt I have been thrown into a furnace. The atmosphere changed, it was hot in temperature and my heart was on fire with insecurities! Instantly my attitude and behavior changed. My husband took notice and was concerned.
Of course, my answer was “I’m ok” when in reality I wasn’t. Pride caused me to become stubborn and I became distant. As much as I wanted to fight against what was arising within me, I couldn’t. My mind was screaming “what is wrong with me”. Is it my menstrual period that is coming? Is it menopause? Is it just ME?
Oh Lord! What is wrong? Please help me!
A flood of emotions rushed through me! Waves of insecurities, jealousy, bitterness, hopelessness, and anger drowned my soul. It was NOT a pretty sight! I yelled, I cried, I pouted and loathed in self-pity. My poor husband!
You see, there was an issue that I was battling on my own for a few years in which I never shared with my husband. Although I will not go into details for it is a very private matter, I will say this: my inability to confide in my husband cost me a lot more!
The second and third day, well, were not so good. Tempers erupted and we were all in rare form including Sammy! Finally, I took the courage to express myself and explain my problem. His reaction was not what I expected.
As I sought the Lord for answers, He reminded me of some instances in my childhood that caused me to develop these insecurities, fears and low-self esteem. I thought I had dealt with them when I first got saved, but in all honesty, I didn’t allow God in those areas of my heart for healing. It was as if I placed a band-aid on my own. Slowly through time it started to peel off exposing an infection.
The Lord caught it on time before it spread. He caused me to dig deeper into the root of my soul. What I saw caused me to cry out to the Lord to cleanse me, purify me and uproot all that is defiled within me.
Why did this happen now? Why during my husband’s leave? I felt horrible. But through it all, although we couldn’t understand the “whys”, God had a plan.
You see, all that I was storing in my heart and the walls that I erected to keep my husband from seeing what was there came down!! It allowed my husband in but most importantly I allowed access for God’s healing. The process has begun!
God knows all things and being that my husband was deploying the Lord was strengthening our marriage in greater depths than we could have imagined. There is a new sense of purity in our relationship. Our passion, love, communication, and trust have been restored to a greater level than what we shared in the past.
Although we walked through the fire for two days, the Lord was with us and we were able to come out of the furnace without being burnt or smelling of smoke. The next two days were glorious! We had this new-found love and hope for the future. Despite it all, we were blessed beyond measure and we look forward to his next leave.
Nonetheless it was difficult to go about my day, but the Lord has lifted the heaviness and has given me peace and for that I am so thankful!
When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. ~ Isaiah 43:2 NLT
Then King Nebuchadnezzar leaped to his feet in amazement and asked his advisers, “Weren’t there three men that we tied up and threw into the fire?”They replied, “Certainly, O king.”
He said, “Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.” Nebuchadnezzar then approached the opening of the blazing furnace and shouted, “Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out! Come here!”
So Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire, and the satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them. ~ Daniel 3:24-27
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