What a journey! My head is still spinning from the roller coaster ride! One moment my arms were held high as I climb new victories and then I find myself clinging to the edge of my seat as I plunge and spiral down the same track of confusion, discouragement and despair.
My last entry testified of one of those moments of victories. Unfortunately, my high was short lived!
I nearly lost my religion! Good God! If it wasn't for His strength during my times of weakness, I don't know where I'd be right now! Probably downing some of my husband's tramadol to numb my pain or prison for attempted murder! I'm just kidding! No p's for me -pills or prison! But seriously, can you relate? I'm sure those who have a wounded soldier at home can. By wounded I'm not referring to the physical. No, its deeper than that. I'm talking about the wound of a soul (mind, will, emotions).
You can journey through life with a physical limp but you can't with a limp in the soul. My wounded warrior's soul limp had made me a widow although he physically was alive. The loss was and remains great. Communication, affection, intimacy, sex, socializing, activities, etc., has become dull and dry. In the midst of all these changes, I have found comfort, strength and love in the arms of another man, His Name is Jesus! He never fails me. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil - for He is with me. He sustains me through this journey as its purpose unfolds. Nothing goes in vain, not even our tears. God will use it for our good.
Recently, I went to a bargain outlet in my area called "Ollie's" to shop for scented candles. As I am browsing through the store, I found myself in the book aisle. Understand, that I don't need another book! I have over 500 books in which some I haven't read yet! As I scope through the devotionals, I come across a book called "Wounded Warrior-Wounded Home" by Marshele Carter and Kelly K. Orr, Phd, ABPP. I glanced through it and placed it back on the shelf. I continued browsing. My thirteen year old son meets me in the book aisle and I point out to him the book. I picked it up and I read the back of it to him. I began to explain to him about PTSD to help him understand his dad's behavior towards us. I began to read some of the excerpts of women describing their husbands:
- He was angry, depressed, and short fused.
- He has trust issues, has trouble showing love, compassion, and empathy, and is very forgetful. It is hard to get him motivated.
- We never knew what was going to happen next.
- He had angry outbursts, was unloving, and disengaged from our family. He had recurring nightmare and experienced insomnia.
As I'm reading, my son is identifying and relating. He says "Mom, that's dad!" I suggested and offered to buy it so he can better understand his dad's condition. Of course, telling a thirteen year old to read is like pouring salt to a wound! I returned the book to the shelf and walked away. However, as I'm calculating the cost of the other three books I picked up, I felt a nudge in my spirit to buy the one I put back. It was only $3.99 but I had a budget of $10 and I really wanted the books I had in my hand. I mean what can that book possibly tell me about my husband, that I didn't know already. Well, I tell you what! God knows what you know and He knew I knew nothing beyond the surface of what PTSD and TBI was from my own perspective! Therefore, I put one of my books back and bought it!
To think I was persuading my son to buy it for him to understand his dad, and all along it was for me to read to understand my husband at a deeper level. When I arrived home, I started to read and now I can clearly see why God needed for me to read it! I was blown away by the similar stories. Who wrote my story!! I couldn't believe what I read in just a few pages. As I read, I cried and thank God for leading me to this book. My heart went out for these women. I prayed not just for me but for ALL those who suffer silently as they go through the process of grief. Yes, grief! I realized that I have gone through the cycle of mourning and now I have found language to what I had experienced. I was relieved! I felt hope arise again.
As my tears flood my face, I hear the sweet whisper of God's voice saying "Reviving Military Wives." He was calling me to extend my ministry of Reviving Dry Bones to Reviving Military Wives! Quickly I wiped my tears and wrote the vision down so I can run with it and that is the beginning of an assignment to revive the weary, dry souls of military wives. In 2019, I hope to have a gathering for the military wives just as I have for my ministry in Florida! I look forward to it!!
If you have previously followed me on this blog, it was entitled "Encouragement for a Military Wife" and now it has transitioned to its new purpose! Encouragement is great but REVIVAL is better! Besides our relationship with our husband, other areas of our life has become dull and dry. For example, our dreams, spiritual relationship, friendships, goals, our "me" time, etc.! It's time to come alive!
There is hope ladies and I want to encourage you to walk this journey out with God! What is impossible, is possible with Him. Follow me in this blog as I share my own experiences, and what I have learned in the past and what I am learning in the present.
I have also established a support group on Facebook. Come and join us there as well! Let's build a community of support for military wives! No woman left behind!
Blessings,
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