The Grieving Process: Denial

What is grief? Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. (Wikipedia.org)

Grief is a five-stage process: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and finally acceptance. (Elisabeth Kugler-Ross, MD)

Today, I want to address the first stage: DENIAL! 

While my husband was deployed, I knew he'd come back alive because God promised he would bring him back home.  Although I am grateful that he came home, he did not come back alive.  For many of you, you understand that statement.  Allow me to explain for those who don't.

Personally, I did not want to face the fact that my husband returned as another man.  During his third deployment, when he came home on leave, I noticed the changes.  I remember staring at him as he slept beside me and crying out to God "LORD, I am sleeping with a stranger!" In my despair, I continued to pray for healing, deliverance and restoration of our relationship. As the years passed, I was able to cope by the grace of God.  I kept myself immersed in the Word of God and prayer - fueling my faith!



Our conversations were challenging even when he was oversea.  The insecurities, jealousy and fear of receiving a "Dear John" letter from me overwhelmed him to a point that he became controlling and emotionally abusive.  He wanted me home and isolated from the world. Instead of looking forward to his calls, I started to dread them because I knew I was going to be interrogated.  If he did not like my answers, accusations were hurled at me. Yet, I continued to convince myself that he is under much stress and I can't possibly understand the conditions and circumstances he faced being in a foreign land. I suppressed my need and considered his need for me to be patient and understanding of his behavior. Therefore, I forgave and swept it under the rug over and over again.

I didn't experience grief until he retired. The first four years of his transition home was difficult.  However, I continued to hang on to hope. Things grew worse as he was diagnosed with PTSD, TBI and COPD.  He was angry, depressed and distant. I felt a great loss.  He was no longer the man I married.  I found myself mourning over who he used to be.  He was passionate, loving, overly affectionate, kind, gentle, funny, and a man after God's heart.  That man has died and I grieve as a widow at the loss of a great man, husband, father and friend.  Oh how I miss our talks, cuddling on the couch snacking on chips watching movies together. I miss our drives. I miss going to the park to minister to the youth and seeing his passion for God. I miss hearing him sing to the LORD in the mornings. I miss his touch.  I miss his presence.

Unfortunately, my denial of my new life lead to anger! This cannot be happening! I blamed my husband for not trusting in God enough to heal and transform him.  I blamed him for not loving me enough to seek help. I was angry that he didn't fight for our marriage as hard as he fought in the war! I was angry that my dreams were being shattered and he didn't care. TO BE CONTINUED...